Ever heard of Athazagoraphobia?
Or perhaps Metathesiophobia?

Ok.. screw the big words. I'll keep my english simple.

I am fear of losing. Afraid of losing people I care about. Fear of forgetting, or being forgotten. Fear of changing. Circumstances change, people change. I do change too.

Over time, I met people. Faces, whom started as strangers, slowly turning into significant beings. And over time also, I lost people. Some barely register into my mind, others left too much indentation onto my heart that it hurts. The tarnished friendship, the forgotten once-used-to-be a special bond.

Then, I wonder, why do we have to start when in a blink of an eye, its over? Why do we have to meet when in the end, we know we are departing? Then it will be dejavu all over again. Trying to walk, but before you can pace yourself out, you are falling. Harder and harder, each time.

I kept myself busy these days. Or rather, med school has done a pretty good job of making me busy. I welcome that. Because, when I am busy, I dont have much time to think, to devour on things that will only make my tears fall. Because there are things that I dont understand and dont want to understand, of why I got too attached to some, absorbed in the temporary immaculate bliss - only to find out a short while later, I am only looking through my own rose-tinted glass, that will ultimately break and wound me in the end.

Nancy,
one of the few non-Bruneians that I got attached to here. I dont know why I start, because I know, I do know, that it cant last forever. That one day, departing is inevitable. That one day, I wont see her anymore. That our friendship, no matter how much I value it, will only be bound to internet connection. No more talking, no more seeing each other, no more walking down George St together, no more cooking together, no more her baking feeding me cakes and sweets, no more nights scavenging on books, no more ...

Everything could be just an illusion for all I know now.

I know I have told myself, that I will be prepared when the time comes. To say goodbye ... forever. And yet, reading the goodbye note, I couldnt help thinking the finality in the note, the truth hits me hard that I wont be able to see her anymore. And harshly, I couldn't say goodbye properly to her. Things changed, plans changed, and as of this moment, she is on her way to Brazil.

Might as well be like this, right? I wouldn't know what to do either if I know I am facing her for the last time. I wouldnt know what exactly to say. No more comforting words, with the ugly reality enveloping me. I will miss her. I already miss her. And that hurts too.

Really, why does it have to end like that?

Will the next departure hurt as much too? Probably. Or more so. But this time, it will be a bit different, wont it? In a way, it is almost like me leaving, absconding you. Do you think I enjoy that prospect as well? Do you think in my giddiness, I wont spare a moment thinking how things will be different, when the decision is made differently? Do you think I dont spend endless nights previously mulling over the impact of my own decision? Do you think I dont fear of losing too? But at least we will only be a few hours away, right?

I am tired of this. Of caring too much. Of losing. "Freeze your heart this winter." Yes. I want to. Numb the heart, dull the pain. Be indifferent. Not to be too attached to you. If you think I am slowly trying to evade you, then because I am. Things will be easier this way. Ironic, isnt it?