been away for a long, long time. so many things have happened which i believe has shape and colour me for the better. i am mostly contented these days.. =) will come back for more updates as god knows just how much i do love writing.

i dont wanna go home.
am just not ready.
not yet.

... am making a mistake?
and that everybody else is right, all along?
and that ive been blinded by silly wants..
obscuring the sensible rationality..

... i backtrack?
or try to retrace my steps back..
but its all too late now?

1. yesterday, i made myself a bowl of chicken porridge. the last time i had porridge was a few months ago, with you feeding me spoonfuls of them. you were like a little boy, proud of your creation as you presented to me your first homemade dish. do you know that yesterday, as i stirred my own porridge on the stove, i thought of you?

2. glorious boxing day sales - throngs of shoppers at the mall, each clutching multitudes shopping bags. i have always love malls - but do you know that, watching liverpool merchandise already enough to send me reeling to go home?

3. went through my stash of items in the drawers - boxes opened, jewelleries picked, watches arranged - do you know that amidst all these items, they held amazing memories of you?

4. do you know that, when the lights were off, i still remember you? and that, i really am missing you? and yet, i have to fight off these feelings, shutting out these thoughts and really convince myself that you no longer affect me at all.

'Oh wow. how could you survive six years in medical school not knowing the existence of N****' she exclaimed, bewildered as i tightly grasped the box in my hand. i studied the box carefully - they weren't prescription meds but still came on a tiny box labelled with the standard warnings that all medications came with. i inspected the round magical pills in awe - for these were the quick fix, the solutins to my years- long battle.. if i had known these earlier... i would not have days waking up with throbbing headache as my brain screaming to be fed with caffeine.

few more days preservering - then i will get my hands on you.
now, il just have to make do with a strong brew of black coffee.

it is damn easy to feel demotivated. the past few months, a lot of things had happened - even though admittedly most of the stuffs happening, i didnt truly understand of the whys and the 'how could' they had happened. but i supposed as much as things happening for a reason, i might have, in some ways be a driver in making these things happening too. Huh.

things have changed.
and maybe, so am i.

today, i walked back from my class feeling dejected.
and i let my dam broke.
sigh.

am back. back at my second home. life is really full of surprises - unfortunately, not all are welcoming ones. the best mantra for today onwards is: to hang on tight.