m not sure just how many people still read this blog.. but anyway, am now back in kiwi land. left brunei last saturday and i remembered crying in my sister's arms just moments before i stepped into the departure hall. i didnt know what was so different about my departure this time, but i remembered feeling all freaked out and heavy hearted - as if that was my first time being abroad. i guess it all came down to knowing that my carefree days were over.
one of the things i did over the past two weeks was visiting my grandma. i couldnt believe just how frail she looked then - how could she aged so much over the course of six months that i had not seen her? grandma that i left six months ago was someone full of old times stories - but grandma that i saw recently was someone who could not even remember who i was. she only remembered who i was before i had to leave, as i held her, afraid of crushing her frail physique as she cried to my shoulders. aduii.. everyone's been telling me that its normal, she's old and becoming more forgetful. i do wonder though, is this a sign of the onset of her dementia? now, i could only pray for her good health. 
i didnt do much over the holidays, which was just how i wanted it. only met up with the poppiahs at qlap once, catching up. Fatin got engaged last friday too, congratulations dear! aduii.. m sorry i couldnt attend your big event. =.= but i hope i will be there to see your wedding. amiin.
(pix stolen from Liyana's fb) 
everyone else is a graduate or will be graduating soon, its weird as i am still a full time student. it is only now that i realize just how long medicine course is.. someone recently said that she had thought about doing administrative works after completing her medical degree - and funnily enough, sometimes i wonder about the same thing too. what if i am not where i am now?
the past two weeks too, my sister and i were night ninjas as we tiptoed quietly upstairs to our room wayyyy past midnights after our nightly outings. one of her friends was actually very much convinced that i was wild and smoke and drink and up to all sorts of nonsense over in new zealand. LOLs. Heck. I am not. 
over here, i am such a geek. haha. even more so now that my final exams is in four months' time. aduii =.= i am currently doing my paediatrics run now, which is not too bad. i think i enjoy handling kids better than screaming mommies in labour. Haha! two weeks holidays gone so fast; it feels like ive only daydream of being back in brunei. there are still so many things i want to do in brunei, and delicacies that i havent had the chance to please me palate for. Heh. And for that reason and many other reasons, my dear family and friends, expect me to be back in brunei again sometime this year. =) InsyaAllah.
there are times when i love being here and there are times when i wish i am not here and that i am back at home, everyday, surrounded by people i see and love. of course the previous line only comes off like another line of whine coming from me. but the truth is, sometimes, i miss seeing dear familiar faces; talking to cousins, meeting aunties and uncles, hugging my grandma again, leaning on my mom's shoulder, having my dad peeling off an orange for me, trying on my sister's clothes, bugging my brothers, playing with my little nephews and nieces.
precious moments pass-by at a snap of fingers, clocks wind, calendar pages turn, and life goes on without any hesitation. today, m here miles aways. today, i wish i can reset the time and make the by-gone days lasted longer than twenty four hours per day. today, i wish i knew of the time bomb. 
early morning last saturday, my uncle passed away. Al-fatihah buatnya, semoga rohnya di cucuri rahmatNya. Amiin. i may not be home, but my prayers will always be with him.
ive had a good relaxing easter break.. indulging, relaxing, calming and almost carefree.. i went to dunedin last weekend to see my two best friends. after stressful weeks doing my MSK and now, neuro attachments, ive had just about enough of studying and decided to run away to dunedin for a few days. it felt really comforting to leave behind my case notes, my trusty steths and other equipments and packed my bag and left. and it felt really nice to be around people that i am really close to and so comfortable with. thank you mizah and sharon for having me around! =)
i havent been to dunedin in more than a year and yet, so many transformations seem to have occurred in that quaint student city in that while.. i marvelled at the new glassy modern building, the wall-street mall and the new shops mushrooming George st. it has only been a year and a bit that i left isnt it? and i was pleasantly surprised of the many halal options available in the city. It is good.. really good.
but you know what hasnt changed? Medical school!! one day, i was strolling along the area with Sharon, drinking in the aching familiarity of the surroundings; the big brick-red building which house most of our tutorial rooms, the enormous LF building which has this huge anatomy lab and amazing specimens, the white building with this cool snake emblem.. nostalgia washed over me as i was walking down the memory lane.. 
(we had our class photo taken here - back in 2007)
one of the things that i did over the weekend was visiting Otago Museum. i had always wanted to visit this big building - but somehow, i never did. and i say, the place was really worth a visit! an immensely educational trip on the different cultures that shape New Zealand.. 
i didnt do much sight-seeing.. even though, there was initial plan to visit the gardens but somehow, we never did. ;) after not seeing each other for months (except sporadic meet-ups during summer back in brunei) - we had a lot of catching up to do, which of course means late nights-in with lots of childish gigglings and pillowtalks. Sigh. it is really good to be back in dunedin. it is really good to be with your best friends whom you can just talk to for hours and hours. i miss you two already!!! 
there was this one night that the three of us went to vivace. i had a lot of fun then. i think the three of us did. you know what could top that moment? if all of us were there.. i remember diyana, we used to go to vivace a lot during our third year, karaoke-ing our stresses away. we had a few of those awesome vivace moments in the past, with all seven of us present.. those were good times.. just maybe, unreplicated.. 
and this, was my awesome teriyaki fish bento meal just before i left for christchurch.. nyamannnn!!!! 
actually, i nearly barfed the meal out in the 6 hours long journey back to christchurch. sigh. i think, too much PDAs are just irritating!! the couples who sat next to me AND in front of me just happened to be permanently joined at the lips (and presumably, various other organs..) throughout the long ride. aihs. 6 hours only cannot tahan already leh? @.@
Anyway,
i caught up with saidah and maxxxxxx the night i arrived in christchurch. siukkkk updating!!! ehe. :p girl, you know the stories .. and i am laying low for now. ;) and i am so proud of you and your superb research!!! well done!! update2 lagi nanti yea!!! =)
It has been more than a week since I’ve arrived in Brunei. The conference in KL had been pretty awesome – I’d say the organizing committee especially the fellows from monash really did a good job in organizing a big event like this; as 300 medical students gathered from across 20 nations. Our schedule was pretty compact as we rushed from places to places, finishing tasks in a sleep deprived state trying to catch the set deadlines with a good mix of social events and dinner parties.
At first, it seemed pretty daunting – being the sole delegate from New Zealand. This was the first conference that I have attended, so I really didn’t know what to expect. On the day I arrived at the 5 star hotel, I was intimidated by the crowds.. or more precisely, the segregation of groups as the other 19 countries sent big groups of representatives. I felt left out – and left the building. I went to the nearby mall alone and called up my mom. I felt a bit more positive after I talked to Diyana, thanks dear. =)
The next day was the official first day of the conference. Things just happened so quickly; I got myself registered as a NZ delegate, mingled around at the lobby before we were quickly shuttled to the monash campus. I had been placed in Group 1 – with Lil and J acting as our leaders. That day, was the start of special friendships. From that day onwards, we learnt of each others’ quirks as we spent hours and hours together every day and night.
The keyword in this blog entry should actually be ‘opportunity’. It has been a wonderful opportunity for me to attend the conference. And Ive learnt to let myself go and have a lot of fun. Another window of opportunity arrived as I had also been selected as one of the finalists of the paper competition and was asked to present my project / paper entry. I didn’t win the competition – but I was overwhelmed by the positive response I got from the audience as some came over to talk to me after my speech. At the very least, I had touched peoples’ minds about the HIV/AIDs situation and issues back in New Zealand.
Oh. There were so many happenings during the conference, from my stupid acting in front of the crowds (harhar) to my windowshopping with the girls to our fun condom workshop ;) to our eye-opener visit to the transgender community to our group’s little games to my morning wake-up calls by J and oh to so many things that I couldn’t forget . On behalf of all medical students in NZ, Ive also signed a pledge in front of hundreds to treat HIV patients with respect and dignity. As small gesture as it seems, I actually felt a little bit grown-up and involved. I met a lot of different people whom I really wish will meet again in the future. The most memorable day must have been the last night of the conference. In a spur-of-the-moment thing, I sang with a friend on stage during the Gala Night and asked the crowd to join us. Heh. Shortly after, I was again pulled up to the stage by another friend to dance with him. Harhar. Attention seeking much, huh? =p 
The Gala Night finished at 11 but as we were planning to go to the after-party, a friend, Eric, suggested to go for a latenight movie. But for some reasons, we didn’t manage to go =( and since the buses to go to the club already left and latenight taxis were scarce in that part of the city, I hang out at the lobby with a couple of friends, trading stories and little secrets. I also received a framed photograph of Group 1 that night – complete with little messages and signatures from everyone.. 
Oh I miss them now. =’(
The next conference will be in July this year in Taiwan. I wish I can go… but seeing I will be sitting my final exams end of this year (InsyaAllah), its not really a good idea to leave classes for 2 weeks. Sigh. Anyhow, you never know.. maybe our paths will cross again.. Eric made me promise to attend the next conference and watch a movie together over there. Haha.
Ive learnt a lot from this meet-up. Meeting new people is exciting and wonderful. Acting as a little ambassador and talking in front of hundreds is less daunting than what it used to be. Spontaneity is fun. Overall, I’d say it is a very good experience. =) 
2 months away from the main hospital and yet, nothing much has really changed. Oh how I miss the working environment in Princess Margaret - even more so now that I am back at the main. There was something about the previous attachment that was still endearing to me.. sigh. :s
I've met some of the best people back in Princess Margaret. Its true what they say that it is the people around you who shape your experience - and mine was moulded at its very best in that red building. I had the most perfect mentor that anyone could ever ask for - Friendly and funny? Check! Motivating? Check! Patience? Check! Flexible? Check! And he did what he did the best - mentoring.. Even though, I had missed out our appointments a couple of times :/ - he still patiently noted down the next time slot I was available to discuss issues and cases with him. Oh Mr T, I heart you! Hands down, the consultants at that red building definitely won awards for being all-round kind, enthusiastic teachers.
I could still vividly remember my previous homeward. First floor, turn left from the stairs. The big blue doors. The long corridor to the ward reception and the tiny doctors room. The 3 round tables which serve as patients' dining 'room'. The TV lounge area with walls pasted with various flags. The vivid smell of antiseptic (early in the morning). 
I remember one patient, small elderly lady with fine white hair. She had a kind smile. I had seen her a few times propped up on her bed, glimpsing smile to every staff who happen to peek through the door. I had never bothered to approach her till one day my mentor asked me to do a mini mental state exam on her. I learnt from her score that she has dementia. As a general rule, people with dementia have broad cognitive impairment which includes memory problems. One of the questions I asked her in the test was to write a sentence on a piece of paper. After what it seemed like a humongous effort in her part, 5 minutes later she handed me back the paper with the words "have you seen the sun today" scrawled in tiny handwritings. I saw a hopeful and somewhat childish twinkle in her eyes.
I take so many things for granted. Even something as cliche as sunshine. It had never occurred to me before that she is one of the many room prisoners who are cooped up indoors. I take so many things for granted.. everyday things like walking and talking. Especially walking. I could never imagine for the life of me how it would be like to be immobilised - even though somehow, people survive and do strive. I learnt that I was and still am, afraid of amputees. Ask me to go and scrub in for a horrendous long surgical procedure or see head injuries in ED or witness whatever gruesome procedures , InsyaAllah I'll be fine. But ask me to go and see a patient's bandaged stump and look at his wound, I am afraid. Very afraid. My knees go weak. :/ Ngilu rasanya.. And the anatomical abnormality was just too.. stark, too frightening, too alien.. And I will be clutching on my own knees trying to feel that my legs are still attached to them. 
Nowadays, when I feel sad, I tell myself that in the grand scheme of things, my (perceived) ill fate fare nowhere near others'. Like I repeatitively said before, I take so many things for granted - its nice to be reminded every once in a while.
[note: gambar sekadar hiasan (huhu) - as taking and posting pictures of my own patients aint ethical.] 0=)
Because life has been getting hectic and stressful lately (I only have my own procrastinating habit to blame :S), I want to post about something light and cheerful tonight. And what's more happy than kids..
First up, Ayai - teh fashionista. 
Who says that kids dont care about how they look like? who says that kids dont spend hours in front of the mirror trying to colour-coordinate their clothes - down to the right colour UNDERWEAR to wear? HAHA. This kid, sure does. The last time I chatted with her (Yes, CHATTED with this 5 year old kid through msn) a few hours ago she asked me to buy her a hair straightener because "wavy/curly hair was sooo yesterday" @.@ Heh. Kids these days. tsk tsk. =p
And, this is my favourite picture of her with her scrunched up nose. =)
Syafiq - the manja-ness. 
Love this kid, love his incredibly long eyelashes. The baby in the family - and being the only kid, he has every right to be manja. Loves to be cuddled and hugged but loaths anyone who dares to touch his head. Haha. funny kid. =p
Hafiz - Fun-neee 
oh yes. moi favourite. Always manage to bring so much joy and laughter in my life. My favourite person to tease at home. woohoo =p Suspected to have some real serious self-loving matter - always caught in front of the mirror looking at himself, brushing his hair AND commenting how handsome he looks like. Ah Ha. Vain much? =p Has an intense love for camera - posing that is. =.= Seems to have an innate radar for a camera-totting individual nearby and has always tried his best to be part of the shot. Oh yes, I do have a lot of his funny pictures in this laptop. Heh.
Faiz - the ... adolescent. *ahem*
This kid.. eh I mean, guy, has grown up. No more wearing spiderman shirts - he is now clad in what he considers as the coolest gear to wear in the street. Has forgotten all the nursery rhymes and is lately seen humming along to some 'kewler' hip hop slash rnb songs. Heh. Oh. And also, always clutching his mobile phone / game console wherever he goes that you are lucky if you can see his palms.
Izah - ... my... kid? 
Heheh. Bright and maybe, a little bit on the quiet side - whom I love to bits. Used to care for her when she was still a chubby baby girl and I was an enthusiastic high-schooler. And, I love the way she called me "bongsu" with an O. And - I still carry her around the house when I am back in Brunei.. (I am strong, no? =p) Heh.
And last but not least ...
Daniel - the THING. 
HAHAHAH. My brother Chi affectionately calls him "the thing" heh. Havent met this little guy yet.. :-( I got this picture from his dad..
Ah. Love these kids. <3 xoxo.
There was this one place that many people I knew spent so much of their waking hours at, complaining and whining when they were there, and then few years down the track, recalling those years with fondness and happy memories. It was also in one of that white buildings, that I first met someone who I used to spend endless hours having boy-talks with, endless hours speculating on our many boys crushes and endless hours having giggling fits.
She is an amazing friend. She was the first friendly face that I saw that day when I was a bespectacled geeky girl squirming in my seat, nervous about being in an alien environment. I remembered her warm smile, I remembered holding my hand out to her and we shook hands and exchanged our names - which started our friendship. I had no idea then that this friendship would last, but it does. And, I also had no idea then that when she suggested that I should be called Liza (instead of Siti like I used to) that the name would stuck by me for the many years that came by.
Over the years I have came to know this warm person, FUN was always in the book. There was never a dull silent moment because there had always been jokes or gossips or the latest stories came from her. I had a lot of fun during those years, worry lines never seemed to emerge..
When I first decided to study in New Zealand, I was afraid. I was really frightened. I was scared of the prospect of losing friends that I had, whom I wouldnt see for many years.. like her. She was my first friend I had back in college, and even though in the later years I didnt hang out much with her and the others, deep down I still regarded them (poppiahs) as among my closest friends in college.
And, sweetly, my initial fears were dumbfounded. =)
Over the holiday, I have been chatting and videocalling her numerous times over msn. I realize I miss talking to her like we used to (about guys and crushes and silly jokes and laughters), I realize I really am looking forward to see her this summer, I realize that not only is she my first friend from college, she is also one of those people who has known me well for at least 10 years.
Congratulations on your graduation, Rusy!!
All the best for your future undertakings.
I am watching your graduation ceremony webcast now, aku terharu.. Congrats. I feel like I am a proud parent. huhu. xoxoxoxo
(Picture stolen from facebook. =p)
Life, and I say this with honesty, has been real awesome lately. Lots of stories, lots of happy faces, sweet reunions, lots of msn conversations with people I havent seen for ages, lots of cupcakes and tarts, lots of sweet brownies to share, as well as some hearty discussions and flaring issues and tactful judgements and diplomacy and other grown up things like that. To update, here are some random lists of thoughts and happenings lately..
1. Went to the City of the Wind and I was instantly blown away by my own emotion at seeing 2 of my closest friends in NZ that I havent seen for ages. One night, we went out and rented dvds and climbed onto Diyana's bed and snuggled closer and pulled blanket around us - reminding me just how routine that sort of closeness used to be. One time, Diyana cooked her special sambal fish for us - again reminding me just how she used to cook that exact dish back when we were still living together in Dunedin. One time, we went out and walked around the city and Mizah wanted to buy a top - reminding me how we used to go shopping together back in those days when we saw each other everyday. Many times, we went to cafes and restaurants and trying out dishes and sharing morsels of food and sweet things like that - reminding me that we used to have little gatherings like that back in those days when food was our comfort when stress became too overwhelming. 
We might not see each other and talk that frequently anymore, but things are definitely still sweet. =)
2. That week in Wellington also, I learn that unexpected kindness tastes sweeter than chocolate. I couldnt really express Nisa's and my gratitudes towards our hosts (Aisyah, Azri and Bas) for having us and went out of their ways to make our stay as comfortable as possible. Tolerating our late nights giggling and late hours sleep-ins, testing our general knowledge on travel trivia (which is sad to say that mine is minimal :/ ), feeding us with hot drinks and hot mee goreng, entertaining us with stories and skytv and internet access and everything else. I had fun and I attribute that much of the fun was coming from our lovely hosts. I am immensely grateful. 
3. Had late night talks with a friend lately - concerning love and friendships and relationships and other confusing things like that. My take on this is - I dont know. I still dont know - all 22 years of my life, I am still as clueless when it comes to that four-letter-word and the best possible reply that I could muster is only "we'll see" - which I utter repeatedly like some sort of forsaken chants when actually I am really lost. Actually, if you know me well enough, when I say that phrase over and over again, it means that I dont know anything and I am just trying to convince myself that I do. 
4. I tried on a dress at this shop in the city one time with Ann during our lunchbreak. I fell in love with it but didnt buy it. But I liked what I saw on the mirror because I saw a lady - not someone that I was so used to seeing wearing jeans and sneakers and black tees. I went home mulling over it and opened a bag loaded with presents from Diyana early this year - delighted seeing my new, untouched palette of colours and tubes of eyeliners. Sadly, all 22 years of my life, things like these are still alien to me but somehow, lately, hormones have kicked in and I just want to look at myself in the mirror and present myself more like a lady with heels and all.
5. I lost some of my silver rings that I had collected since my second year here. =.= Misplaced, fallen off, forgotten, whatever... the bottomline is, I have lost some of my most loved possessions. Among all other jewelleries, I love rings, especially big rings. One time when I went to class, a colleague saw my ring and took it from my finger and slid it on his little finger. He laughed and teased me on why I always wear many rings at one time - but he wore that particular one ring throughout our one hour written exam before returning it back to me. Hah. Silly or not, I still love it but somewhere between that class and my home that afternoon, it fell and that was my last memory of it. =.= 
6. Before holiday started and during my peak stress periods, I went out a lot. Ann and I seemed to have similar tastes in clothings and we went on shopping sprees a lot as money seemed to grow on trees. During those periods, I plucked my money leaves almost everyday during our outings on comfort foods like coffees and cakes and other redundant items like new tops and pants and jeans, willing our stresses to go away with every purchase that we made. Now, during this holiday, I havent seen her at all and I wonder whether she has gotten herself that nice red top that she has wanted to buy.
7. I called home last night and talked mostly to my mom. Exchanging news and the latest happenings over there since I havent called home for more than a month. Somehow, this year I call home even less and less often and I blame it on my busy schedule. But if I am to be honest to myself, that is not the entire reason why I avoid picking up that phone. Sometimes, not knowing anything is bliss. And my inquisitive nature more often that not only cause me to demand answers that only flare up my temper, leaving me with a full-on ranting mode. Frustrations, anger, resentment - I dont think I have forgiven yet even though that cloud has been hanging for months. Ah.. pretending not to know can be a bliss sometimes. 
8. My first cousin is getting married in less than a month's time - and I have only known this a few days ago. Not that I really care actually. We rarely see each other and so, we are not exactly the best-of-friends who constantly update each other with the latest happenings in each other's life - although this news definitely took me by surprise and I choked on my cup of coffee upon hearing it. Nonetheless, congratulations and may happiness be dawned upon you and your husband, my dear Melati. That's her name, Melati. I like her name - like floral of some sort.. pretty soon, she is going to be picked from my aunt's garden and I hope this man is going to give her everlasting beautiful sunshines.
9. I have 2 more weeks of holidays before starting on my new run. Time to kickback and relax a little as well as to get started doing my 3 assignments and revising for my biochem exam. When I glanced at my noticeboard I notice just how little time is left for me to accomplish anything and yet I still couldnt bring myself to start on anything yet.. M still miss procrastination who enjoys long breaks - however, I couldnt keep away this gnawing feeling that I do need to visit my patient soon.. The last time I visited her I have told her that I will see her again this week and she wrote down my name in her calendar dates so she wouldnt forget. Hrm.. :S
10. I have a meeting of some sort this tuesday afternoon. We'll see about that, we'll see. =.=
When I walked past the botanic garden entrance on the way to the hospital these days, I couldnt help sighing. When I saw timezone, I couldnt help thinking. When I sat in front of the tv eating my dinner in the lounge, I couldnt help reminiscing.
Anyway, I have great easter holidays, albeit it was a short one. Thanks to both of you, Saidah and Sharon. <3 you guys lots. =) 
Last weekend, I had a blast. Left the hospital early even though my team was on acute. Pleaded the rest of the team that I just had to go home after I received a surprise text from Saidah saying she was coming that friday night. I remembered running from the hospital, shivering from the cold wind but nevertheless, excited. So excited that I had forgotten that I was actually pretty tired. It was then that I realized just how much I actually missed seeing her.
Sharon arrived the next day by bus. It was actually pretty weird seeing her at the intercity terminal that day.. Oddly enough, deja vu washed over me. I remembered 3 years ago when I was the one who stood at where she was standing at that moment; I with her and with Mizah and Diyana and Saidah and Nisa adorned in our thick jackets, all giggly and enthusiastic on our first trip to Christchurch... But last week, I saw her coming off the bus alone.
This year's easter holiday actually reminded me of so many things. Familiar little things that at times slipped out of my mind. Familiar little things like hanging out in Nisa's room that friday night with Saidah and Nisa, trading stories. I have almost forgotten how we used to do exactly that in her room back in cumbie years.. The only thing is, back in cumbie years, there used to be more of us scrambling onto Nisa's bed (the unfortunates had to sit on the hard floor), watching dvds or just hanging out till early dawn..
You know, those were great times. We were pretty close.
Last saturday, we went to the botanic garden. My first visit to the botanic here in Christchurch. It was a nice warm spring day. Walking around the garden ... my mind couldnt help drawing parallels between that botanic outing and other countless garden outings we had in previous years. 
- I remembered my first Dunedin's botanic outing in first year with Diyana and Sharon; climbing the first hill and then hollering from the top, shouting away our stress after an impossible test. Do you remember that girls? And we took a picture of us lying on the wet grass holding leaves in each of our hands..
- I remembered Mizah's 21st bday was held in the botanic rose garden as well, we were having our own pizza feast on that day with hungry seagulls eyeing us. And I remembered Saidah with her tall tripod, as she busily clicking away our pictures. Those pictures that still serve to remind us that we had fun that day. Didnt we?
- And I remembered last year's bbq at woodhaugh garden when halfway through the day, Mizah Diyana Sharon and I decided to have a short walk to the botanic garden. I remembered taking a picture of Mizah, Diyana and Sharon sitting on a bench, and me thinking how beautiful that was, 3 of my closest friends all smiling in one shot.
- I also remembered one nice warm spring day last year when Saidah Nisa Diyana and I walked with Mizah to the botanic (after her countless appeals.) We took many pictures that day. I remembered that walk to the garden we passed by a donut place. I remembered that walk to the garden we were eating our icecreams. I remembered that walk to the garden we were joking and laughing jovially. I remembered the walk to the garden it was bright and warm and beautiful. 
hrm.. you see, we had a lot of fun times in the botanics..
Saidah, Nisa, Sharon and I also went to the Riccarton Westfield mall. The shops were on sale. You know, I remembered easter 2 years ago when Diyana and I went to Christchurch. We also shopped at the same mall, regardless that there were a couple other malls in Christchurch. At that time, we love westfield so much that we ended up going again the next day. Haha. Diyana, do you know that whenever I go to that same riccarton mall, I remembered us rushing through the mall, clutching our shopping bags gaily? I remembered you too when Sharon and I were eating our dinner at Nandos. You are always full of things to say.
Once, Sharon and I went to timezone. We didnt play any games, but we took neoprints of ourselves. Made different poses that Sharon finally got self conscious as other people started gawking at us, 2 weird asians making silly poses in front of the machine. Haha. But we got nice pictures okaayyyyyy =p 
3 years ago, we took neoprints too. I had mine with Mizah. Sharon with Nisa, Saidah and Diyana. I still have them. I remembered we had them at timezone in the city centre, near burgerking. Oh I remembered burgerking too.. When I remembered burgerking, somehow I remembered Diyana. When I saw neoprints, in my mind I saw Mizah.
When Saidah left, I felt weird. I laughed laughed and thanked her for coming and laughed laughed again. The thing is, I didnt want the holiday to end. huhu. And seeing her leave, I remembered that I am staying here in Christchurch. huhu. The next day when the bus carrying Sharon sped away, I trembled. I only realized that I was shaking when I felt a friend's hands on my shoulders. I walked almost dejectedly to the bus exchange and got on a bus to go back to riccarton ave (where I live). But somehow in my state of mind, I got on the wrong bus and after moments of panicking I finally rode back to the city and got on different buses. I only arrived home an hour later.. but it didnt seem to matter anyway.
I really have wonderful easter. Thank you lots. <3
thanks for the pictures too to you both.
The past few days, I learnt that loneliness is relative. Heck, it is subjective. To say that I was feeling lonely floating in the sea of faces I met sound weird, since I was never left physically alone. On the other hand, the whole meeting and racking up my brain to think of a decent conversation was a pretty taxing task to do.
I’ve just came back from my maternal grandma’s place. Great to meet my grandma again. Ive missed her so. Every year, visiting her place became one of the highlights of my summer (which I missed last year). Her small frail frame and yet she pulled herself together to walk me to the door, her tiny smile as if trying to deceive her watery eyes. Already I am missing her, and it will be hundreds of days again before I see her again (God Willing). Alhamdullillah.. she looks good. Just pray to Allah that she will always be in great health. Amiin.
Met relatives (from mother’s side) during my stay there. Cousins that I knew existed and yet never really got to know. Cousins that I vaguely knew their names, let alone knowing their faces. Cousins that I constantly tire my brain to think of things to say, a common ground to talk about, something that will help us to get to know each other better… an effort that I shouldn’t have actually been bothered about since all I received was a curt hi. Heh. Awesome companions…
Anyway, I visited my late paternal grandparents’ house. The place that I haven’t been to for more than 10 years. Ive had a fond childhood memory playing tag with my (paternal) cousins and brother before our grandma called us up. It had that ‘kampong’ feel.. clean lush green lawn, cool air, melodic birds chirping. It has never occurred in my mind before that such clean beautiful place would one day be tainted and destroyed before our eyes. Something stirred in my heart seeing the cluttering of rubbish, the ever approaching jungle eating their way into the compound, grass growing so tall replacing all the flowers that once dotted my grandma’s garden.. everything was just different.. the land, the house, everything!! Gone were the mango trees that never fail to bear fruits to please our palate, our special play ground.. Ugh. I stared at the ruins for a long time, devastation overwhelmed me. So did anger. Renting out the place to such irresponsible tenants was such a terrible mistake indeed. Ugh.
Anyway, now I am back in Brunei. Nice to be back.. back in my own place, own country. Heh. Nice to visit my grandma again too. =) Alhamdulillah.. at 86, she is still in good health. Everything else is just ok. Even though I felt heavy to leave, in a way I am feeling good too. I think I miss home too. And my room. Like I said before, loneliness is a relative matter. But now, I am back. Alhamdulillah. ^.^
Was looking through my piles of collections. Found a small sketchbook. An abandoned sketchbook. Heh. I have forgotten that I actually kept one. But apparently, I did. Once. In my first year here. Then, I remembered that I used to make sketches or just doodled to pass my time. Flipped through the sketches that I made, they made me smile. Not because I am good, I am far from it. Heh. At the end of each page, aside from jotting down the date and time of the day - I meticulously wrote a line or 2 of what I thought of it. Or what I depict from the picture I have drawn. And each brings back memories to me, in some ways.
Anyway, 
I remembered I drew this off a classmate's hoodie design. His name is Aaron, from my English124 class. I remembered on that day, our tutor was about 15 mins late. And I spent that time trying to copy the design from Aaron's hoodie onto my piece of paper (he was sitting right in front of me). Then, he turned around and saw what I drew - and instantly, we talked. haha! And subsequently, in each english class - I did not have to worry to sit alone anymore.
Seeing all the sketches that I made, reminded me of some things. The above is an example. Sometimes, I forgot about things. And when I saw the sketches, I remembered what and why I drew them for. How I felt at that time - frustrated, angry and some depressed.. And then, on some pages, I found poems. Writings that I have long forgotten - but now brings me incredible memories. Alright now, I gotta go. Time to dig up my diaries .. and see what else I have forgotten about.
It's going to be an interesting night .... =)
The other night, my brother Chi called me. It has been a while since I heard from him. Because he wasnt around whenever I called back home. And there were periods when I abstained myself from contacting him through MSN. But nevertheless, I was really happy when I heard his voice. Unexpected, but happy.
Even though I lied if I say I was truly ecstatic the first time he called me at 3.30 am tuesday morning (which ultimately woke me up wayyyy before my 'wake up time', feeling confused and slightly annoyed). Haha. That's the thing with him, sometimes when he is excited about something he forgets other stuffs like the time of the day. I remembered the times when he woke me up because he was truly bored and had no one to talk to - at 2 am in the morning, on a school night. Then we would spend the night whispering ghost stories or telling gross jokes or play video games til sunrise (occassionally, he tricked me into talking while he would eventually said he was too tired and crept back to his room to continue his slumber - while I would be too wide awake to fall back to sleep :S, so I did the next sensible thing to do by trying to wake him up which most often didnt work because the smart boy locked his door. =.=)
There were times (when I was young) when I thought that I was a boy. Or wished that I was a boy. (No, dont be alarmed now, I have passed that identity crisis longtime ago and I am truly happy to be *ahem* a lady now, surrounded with cute, pink fluffy stuffs. And no, I am not gayish either, I dont like girls that way, so stop looking at me like that, taking a judgemental stance! hah hah)
Anyway, where was I??
Oh yeah. Like I said before, there were times (in the past) when I thought I was truly a boy (no matter how much my mom insistedly dress me in skirts and dreses). I emulated him, on most things - I guess that's the idea of "I am a boy" came from. Heh. He influenced me during my younger years. And no matter how unreliable he seem at times, I knew that he is dependable and will always backed me up no matter what happens or no matter how bizarre my ideas are.
His call brought back a flood of emotions and bitter-sweet memories of my younger years. No, I didnt wept. Hah! But, yeah, sometimes you just forget about certain things until you are hard-pressed to do otherwise. Hrm.. I received a parcel too some weeks ago, he sent me some CDs I havent yet listened to (because he could not have his little sister so 'ketinggalan zaman' . nyeh!) and Davidoff's Coolwater -which he knew was my favourtie fragrance. I dont know how he knows, but apparently he does. But, there were moments on the phone when I could hardly contained my self from blurting out that Allure by Chanel is my favourite now and Coolwater is just so highschool. Heh heh. Nevermind, We will get that right next time. XD hehe
Yeah. The way I go on and on writing about him now gives away that I miss him. I am feeling a tard homesick, I want to come home - where things are not gloomy and I am welcome. And everyone is happy. And I have my brother to harrass when I could not sleep at nights.
A friend sent me a video yesterday - but in my haste, I never got to see it until just now. Actually, at first, I kinda thought it was just another video - you know, the nice, funny videos people just forwarded to each other. But when I first open the page, one thing that grabbed my attention was that it was a private video. And then the title:- "Popiahs"
Ya Allah..
I feel like crying. oh wait~ the tears have already fallen. Sad? Happy? Touched? All mixed up. The dull thumping of my heart as if orchestrating my memories of the bygone days. The days when the 9 others in the video were my angels, my sidekicks, my confidantes, my best best friends in the whole world. The days when we could spent hours talking nonsense and still cracked each other up. The days when there were no secrets between us, no barrier whatsoever.
After watching the video, I realized that I miss those days. I miss everyone. The superb 10 teens. Mostly, I miss Amelia. My bestest friend.. then. Someone who understands me the most and lifts my spirit whenever I am down. I havent seen her for some time, and I reckon I wont be seeing her for another few years to come. MSN - the only way for us to communicate now. I miss you mel. I really do... >.<
And I miss Liyana too. Lion and her cakes. sigh~ And everyone else in the group. I feel bad. Mostly because of my own reclusion. huhu. Never bother to catch up with anyone lately. Except perhaps with Amelia. Even summer - which was supposed to be spent with them, guiltily, some days I just missed out. -__-"
One day, we will see each other again. And when the next opportunity comes around, I will make sure I wont make the same mistake again... because no matter how distant I seem to be, I know, I still do belong. Popiahs, I Love You.
Just finished uploading the roadtrip pix to my laptop. sigh .. I feel like crying. That heavy dull thudding of my heart upon realizing that that sweet few days spent were now a thing of the past. Beautiful memories, but nonetheless, a past.
The roadtrip was tremendously marvellous. Crusing along the highway at exhilarating speed of 100km/h average, breath-taking views along the way with picturesque lakes and majestic mountains stood at the distance - that picture stayed vividly in my mind. Perhaps it was the enchanting views or maybe the fact that we were on holidays, leaving piles of works thousands kilometres behind - exhilarated everyone, lifted everyone's mood to sky high. It was just perfect. Like a family holiday, minus the disagreements and siblings fights.
Now, I am back in Dunedin. Takes me a few days for the reality to finally sunk in - that the holiday is over. It was one thing to cherish the fantastic times that we have had - but now, I need to fall back to reality...
-
-
-
[Yes. I still smile when I saw the familiar, much hyped roadsigns hehe.. as well as the trees.. Great times. XD ]
RSS Feed (xml)