"it is pretty bad that it's (almost) funny.."

So I had my osce this morning. Skipped my morning ward round and stayed in for some last minute readings. It was freezing outside when I finally made my way to the familiar cream coloured building. Caught up with J on the way to the meeting room, both of us trying to outdo each other on who was the least prepared. Heh. No matter what he said, he's smart. I was more worried on my lack of preparation.

Minutes passed by as I waited anxiously in the meeting room. I hated every moment of it; the buzz of conversations going on around me, the squeal of delight as someone found a somewhat-harder-to-feel-popliteal pulse, the chorus of laughter as someone joked about someone else's abdomen. I concentrated my mind on the stethoscope draped around a colleague's neck as I tuned out the cheerful gossips and jokes. I remained fixated like a statue in my seat until J turned to me; "nervous?" yeah.. >.<

The moment came and a group of us were ushered to the osce stations. Time flew by so fast. So many things running through my mind, so many things to ponder upon in that limited time we had, that in the end.. I hated myself for saying the stupidest things when actually, the abnormalities were stark obvious that it was bloody stupid for me to miss them out completely. Off-mark.. @.@

Had a long coffee break with my friends after that. Needed more caffeine to wash out the remorse and frustrations that I felt. However, our conversations still centered around the osces, especially the not-so-intelligent responses and silly answers that some of us uttered. I felt a bit better. Sometimes, it is comforting to know that you are not the only one feeling all shitty and stupid. And maybe we were caffeine high that post-stress period, that everything just seemed so funny. The patients, the consultants, the buzzer, the dummy and each other. Everyone becomes a clown in our own funny world.

Then, when I came back home, alone in my own room. I realized everything wasnt that funny anymore.. Tell me, how funny and exciting is it to fail? I hated that thought. I hated how I felt scared too.