A few days ago, I was in a small room without a window. The problem with sitting in a windowless room is you cant let your mind run at the expansive green grounds of the outside world. Smacked sitting in a tight circle, minding my own business when the consultant asked that difficult question again. “Where are you going to work?”

Went around the circle, I was somewhat relieved that I was not the only one in the group who hadn’t decided the direction yet. I am still sitting on a fence, not knowing where to go. Half of me wanting to broaden my horizon further and work overseas, whereas the other half of me still wants to cling tightly to New Zealand. I think, right now, I am just going through the motion of filling in bits and pieces of my application form – when I am really unsure whether I still want to stay.

The other day, I was angry. Not just fleetingly angry, but really angry that it took me by surprise that I was capable of being furious at such intensity. Stormed downstairs, red in the face, and found my colleagues, de-breathe and felt a whole lot better. Hours after that, there was this gnawing feeling tugging at the corner of my stomach telling me that in a few months time, I probably wont be seeing them anymore.



Who’s going to be the one sitting across the table, sharing mugs of coffee with me next year? So many faces, so many friends, and yet, that chair in my mind is still empty. I wont know whats going to happen – my job application form is still mostly empty.