Quite a nice day today. =) Regardless, I didnt go out or did anything productive (work wise). heh. Woke up early today and had a nice long chat with a friend. =) Perhaps thats why I almost have a permanent smile on my face all day. =)

I've just read my previous post for April 06. So emo. heh. And so full of negative thoughts. But one thing for sure: sometimes, things that you want to forget come back hunting you. And no matter how hard you tried to forget, its just a tremendous task. Because, subconsciously, you just dont want to forget. Dont want to let go. And maybe thats what happen to me. I am just not ready. Yet.

At first, the holidays were actually my 'gateway' to forget. I remembered sometime before Easter, I told myself that 'enough is enough already and that I am going to do every bit that I can to make sure I will stop thinking about unnecessary stuffs. That I will fill my time with so many things, so that I wont have idle time left to thoughts. The first few days of holidays I might have achieved that. I never did have a single thought on that.

But, what I was not prepared for was having that dream. When I woke up the next morning, I felt confused. And guilty. When I thought about it, it was a bit eerie too. Creepy how unexpectedly, that just emerged especially since I have spent months without really thinking about you. And at that moment, was it my subconscious mind conjuring you up again? I asked myself, why then? Why at that time - not other times when I was really thinking about it?

But somehow, I pushed that far away to the back of my mind. Still had some fun times - even though I admitted, that unexpected dream managed to make me awkward (and guilty) at times. But nonetheless, I was determined not to let that to ruin my time. Yet, another unexpected thing happened.

I was not sure whether to laugh, jump for joy or disappointed when I opened my inbox and found your email. Because, I have made my resolution. But I read it anyway. And somehow, the days saw us exchanging more and more emails. My resolution? Nearly forgotten. And you mentioned in your late email that you would come online today.

At first, I saw this as a mini test. If you did manage to come online. Truthfully, I half expected you would not. Perhaps sceptism was still in my blood. And of course, I still do remember that resolution - as well as the tears that it had caused that fueled my determination. But despite that, you came. Erk. And my resolution slowly crumbled to pieces - replaced by this familiar giddy feeling. Back to square one? Maybe. heh.

Right now? I am just happy with whatever is going on. It is not the time for me to speculate and hope for anything, nor is it the time for me to be too cynical. I guess, all in all, I am just saying that I am just going to let it be, and see how it will eventually goes... =)