There were some thoughts in my mind lately, playing and seizing moments, especially idle moments when I contended to just laid back and closed my eyes. At those moments, I should be sighing in relief, not sighing with frustration.

On some days, I opened my blogger account, typing away my thoughts, pleading that my fleeting fingers on this keyboard would be enough to brisk this fretting, this frustration, this feeling away. Posts that were drafted, and re-drafted, edited and re-edited and yet never saw the light of the day; hidden away like a number of other entries that never had the opportunity for a reader's eyes, stored away in the darkness of the drafts folder, unpublished.

But this entry, is not intended for that. I said intended, because I never know, I might change my mind again later. But before moments of hesitation consumed me again, I will just type this out. I need to type this out anyway - typing has somewhat became a liberating choice of venting out for me, a therapeutic venture.

And I shall start this story again, on the night of not too long ago.
The night I decided to stick to a resolution. The night I thought a change is good. And I started with the blog changes - and something to remind me of what I had decided to do then.. but days, weeks after that proved to be difficult - the ups overwhelmed by the downs. And no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I missed the person. -____-"

Like pizza slices, you filled me. Most of the time, you filled me with contentment (heck. who dont love pizza eh?) Happy by the tuna chunks found in that slice of pizza - thats what I loved, no need for the hawaiian-style marinade chicken pieces or heavily spiced beef; just a simple slice. Thats what I liked in you too - simple.
And I grew to overlook the other little bits and pieces, pieces like olives that I didnt fancy that much, or too much slices of capsicum. But that was okay I thought - because I should look at the whole package. And once again, who didnt love pizza eh?

But unlike pizza slices which I could just tell the waitress to hold off some toppings for me, a person is something else. Few times, I fed on the burnt edges of the pizza crust. A burnt blackened piece, that left the tangy feeling on my mouth - no doubt toxic to my whole system. I wondered, how I could rectify that. Wondering this and that. Questions. Questions. And more questions.

And last night, I chewed on chillies too. Stinging tears shot from my eyes. Again. I wondered whether you were joking, in your usual hapless manner. I wondered whether you knew. Oh if you only knew..
But I switched fiery off anyway. And climbed to bed, deserting the piles of notes on my table. Mind full of thoughts - that didnt involve a particular SI case of cancer, but rather of the accumulating toxic thoughts. It was almost like a self-mutilation on my part, torturing my mind, going back in circles of which last night was another down night.

I should have just let it go. Just moved on. Just stop all these thoughts concerning you. Isnt that what I have wanted to do? "These tears shall not fall again.." - but they still do. Why oh why... I still couldnt erase this .. feeling. The stubborn mr.heart that still hang on anyway, for almost 3 years. Oh mr.heart, when are you gonna listen to me, the sensible voice?

Turmoil of emotions visited again last night. Vindictive, mindful of vile thoughts. Vilificated, tormented by words, words and my own emotions. Capitulated, like how one just gave up fighting anymore, because they seemed futile anyway. And despondent. Oh so many emotions.. as I racked my brain to identify that one emotion that seemed to override others, amidst the sobbing.

Few hours later, I woke up with my hair matted on one side of my head. Looked dejectedly at the piles of abandoned work, I felt stupid. Oh, that was the word I was looking for. Stupid. It took me so many hours to correctly identify what that one feeling was. Stupid. Such a simple word, isnt it?

But that was lastnight's story.
Today, is a new day.