Do you remember back when we were in high school and our maths teacher made us solve problems on the whiteboard - which sounded something like this:- a particle travels 80 miles west and 20 miles north and then the mighty southeast wind blows the particle backwards 15 miles before the particle travels back in southwest direction for another 30 miles.. Now, the question is, where the hell is the particle?

Back in those days when maths was one of the subjects that I slaved myself to, I never gave the slightest thought of how irrelevant such questions were. A particle? Seriously, who gives a darn right? But tonight, an uncanny thought embarked on my mind as I made my way back to home. You see, tonight, I am the particle. At the very least, I feel like I am the particle, oscillating between periods of stress and periods of quiet contentment, between being productive back to non-productive and useless, between happy cheers and sweet cherries back to biting remarks and tears and sour lemonjuice.



I've just came back from a patient's house. Saw a family dinner through the glass door, heard a deafening happy laughter amidst the swarming cheerful conversations. I slid back into the shadows behind a tall potted plant - forcing myself to feel comfortable as a strange sense of longing fight its way to the surface. After long moments elapsed as they finished their chatter, I finally rang the doorbell. Turned out he didnt want to be interviewed at all. He blew me off. I walked away feeling heavy. I didnt have even the slightest anger in me although it felt like he surely took a long time to finally say no. I was more frustrated. And disappointed.

The neighbourhood dogs were barking as I silently trudged the street. Tears of frustration welled up at the corner my eyes. Maybe mixed up with a tad of homesick tears too. I didnt know. All these mixed up feelings finally resurface as I expelled a deep long sigh. From frustrations about the case write-up to worrying about the other clinical project, from missing home to deciding not to give a darn anymore, from wanting to talk to friends to not wanting to bother, from missing the robot to my own confusion of my own feelings.

As I stood in the cold waiting for the bus back to the city, I looked up at the sky and saw glimmer of stars. Then, from the corner of my eyes saw a flash of moving light - what initially seemed to be a shooting star was actually the lights of a plane. I heaved another sigh and hopped on the bus for my ride home. Saw my flatmate and her friend at the city exchange. I recalled my disappointment and she gave me a hug. <3 At times like these, it is nice to be hugged. My neighbour cum colleague cum stalker came over to my place and gave me a hug even though I didnt say anything. Heh. Thats the thing with that stalker; the stalker came at unexpected times bearing unexpected hugs.

My head is throbbing since this afternoon. Maybe that is why the emo post and stuffs. Tomorrow, I shall wake up and smile to the world again. Things should seem less bleak tomorrow and I will try to be a charged-up particle swinging energetically again. Goodnight everyone.