For a fleeting, few, scary, heart stopping moments, I thought that I didnt care anymore. And ironically, that lack of concern on my part actually affects me like some sort of warped I care-but-I-dont-want-to way. I've learnt that sometimes pretending not to know is the ideal way to go because when you live in false pretense, you live happily ever after in your own fantastic dreamy world. Unfortunately, minimising communication quite often than not, serves as the best possible way to achieve an ignorant's life. Ignorant, but nonetheless, seemingly uber-awesome anyway.. until my subconscious mind flash me again on the seed of my abhorment.

The macabre remains of yet another disturbing nightmare are still all over me. I woke up from sleep shaking with anger, cursing. I still get the bitter taste of resentment each time I put my lips into my glass of water, infuriated. I still couldn't get over the lies I came to know of last summer that stupidly enough, was served with a nice bowl of deception. Insulting to say the very least - like sprinkling salt over an open wound split open by a shard of glass; that never-ending tingling throbbing chafe wound ensuring that it would never heal. You know what? Throwing a flaming splint is better than discreetly sprinkling small salt crystals - because at least everyone can see the obvious. And no one has to go through the double whammy of double deception. You catch my drift? All I am saying is, if you are a jerk, then there is no use of covering your acts and presenting to the whole world just how saintly you are. I've had enough of hypocrisy. I am pretty sure everyone is.

It is already middle of the year - the season to start booking and getting tickets to get back home in summer. Truthfully, I havent decided when I want to be home yet. My thoughts keep shuttling back and forth and there are moments when I felt that staying away as much as possible seemed like a terrific idea. But emotions shouldnt override rational thinking - thats what I am being told. Maybe. And there are family and friends that I yearn to see this coming summer. And other splendid things like picnics, last-minute movie dates, bbqs, dvds marathon and many many many great outings like that. But if I am truly being honest here, what I am looking forward to see is a change. A move. A shift from being left in the dark feeding on one's vile hypocrisy to standing on a comfortable state of enlightenment. From where I am now, I can only see ambivalence. Patience seem like a stupid word now - especially when it is crystal clear in my mind just how repugnant the person really is.

Sometimes, second chance is NOT something you have the luxury to ask. Now, lets just hope that everyone can drill that message into that thick skull of yours. So. Go pack. And leave. Game's over. M waiting for the credits to start rolling in so that I can throw my arms around and congratulate everyone that's involved. I've set my timer on.