'why no more blog posts from you? uplate lar'

-.-"



the truth is, i've been laying low since that fateful thursday morning after i effectively, single-handedly screwed up my osces. i remembered the walk from the hospital back to my place, the twenty minutes painful walk as i trudged absentmindedly, dragging my heavy heart along. yards and yards of disappointment in each step that i took, weighing my legs down. the whys and the hows questions bombarding my mind, buzzing unanswered questions in my ears. but it was only after i was safely tucked under my duvet that tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. pulled the duvet higher, over my head, wanting to hide and just disappear. closed my eyes, trying to ignore the turmoil of emotions in my heart at that time and finally fell asleep.

i wanted to wake up knowing it was all a dream. a bad dream.
saw my pull-down curtains, my keys on the floor and stacks of papers and textbooks on my table. walked slowly as if i was in a trance towards my opened coursebook - reread my messy scribblings on the page on how to do hands examination. i remembered how in the wee hours of that morning, i was rereading that page and guess what? that was actually tested in one of the osce stations. and i had screwed up. badly.

===

that was last thursday. more than a week has passed now, but everything, every little detail, is still firmly embedded in my mind. i guess, thats only brain's natural way to be super-alert after a disastrous event..

i was really disappointed. i was upset. i wondered a lot of things. i wondered whether it would make much difference if i didnt took full 6 hours sleep the night before. i wondered whether it would make me pass if i had stayed up for longer and longer hours everynight leading up to the osces, studying labouriously instead of sleeping blissfully. i wondered whether it would matter if i didnt cook for my lunches and took takeaways, thereby saving me more time to study. i wondered whether it was a terrible mistake on my part to give in and played a five minutes racing game on my psp the day before. you know, all those things that i wished i didnt do, all those things that steered me away from my studydesk.

i was really disappointed.

tried to take my minds off school that weekend. went to the city and splurged like crazy. i remembered reading on glossy pages of a girly magazine somewhere that thats the best retail therapy. yes, it worked. on a short term. but upon coming back to my house and ascending the steps to my room, the heaviness set in again. in reality, i couldnt throw away the dread at the pit of my stomach, burning hole through my stomach lining, eating me away from insides.

===

i hadnt felt like talking to people, friends or family alike, on msn the past couple of days. m sorry. if you felt like i have purposely been avoiding you, absconding you in the middle of you typing a sentence or two the past couple of days, then yes, you are right, i am avoiding you. i didnt want to talk, i didnt want to be approached, i didnt want to be asked how my day was or how my study went. i didnt want to tell you disappointing things. i didnt want to tell you how low and bad i had felt.

so. i am sorry.

===

on a much brighter note, i like this week. we are having integrative week this week - and the focus is on maori health. as geeky and corny as it sounds, i actually love some of the sessions. expanding more on the vocabulary of maori language this year, compared to last year - and to my astonishment, something that sounds as cute as 'mate puku puku' actually has evil meaning to it, it means cancer. -.-" and ive learnt bits and pieces about rongoa (herbs/plants that are used as traditional maori healings), had a taste of one of the healing leaves (kawakawa) used, which actually tasted like pepper. overall, it was a good week, even made more awesome since i only had to turn up for two days. =) Had the maori exam yesterday (the formative assessment) which was just alright.. i think.



so.. thats it.. a glimpse of whats happening in my life.. in short, i (?think i) have screwed up my osces, i am 1k poorer and i am an oddball who likes the taste of raw leaf (it tastes like candy, without the sweetness. and yes, i am feeling better now. a bit more positive and realistic (there really isnt much use to regretting now and kicking myself up). and plus, joy comes in a lovely bowl of hot, spicy kuah kacang tonight. Cik Alina, I love you and your awesome kuah kacang!!!! XD yum.