woke up to the sound of shower tap being turned on this morning, which jolted me awake because i knew, right then, that i was running late. a frantic start to the morning, which included a mad dash to find my team for wardrounds before attending a busy colposcopy clinic. in fact, my morning was actually pretty similar to my other mornings of the week - occassional persistent lazy eyelids which led to a crazy rush to the hospital for another day of clinics or theatre or oncalls. but i wouldnt be writing this if it was just like any other average day..

came afternoon, i was shuffling around the corridor of the clinics when my consultant saw me, pulled me aside and whispered the three words. i looked at her in horror as my smile faded away, as my mind conjured up someone that i had gotten acquainted at in the ward.

the twin died. that was it - the end of what was supposed to be a happy ending. it was already known that she had a complicated pregnancy with a twin-twin transfusion, and yet, confirming the demise of one of the babies who were both still in her womb, was just utterly tragic. i remembered when i saw her and her husband a few days ago, in that square little room - my consultant spoke of all these different scenarios, the what ifs. unfortunately for her, things went to its extreme end. what would happen to the other twin? for now, no one really has an answer.

maybe, just maybe, i have never fully appreciated the meaning of being born and alive til today. i have seen a lot of women, pregnant women, who struggle to actually keep her baby alive in her womb. pregnancy is hard - thats how much i learn. i breathe a sigh of relief each time i know things are going in the right direction amongst these women i see everyday, which is often. however, when death happens like this, no matter how much you think youve seen it coming, it still does strike a chord in your heart.

mamaku, i miss you and i love you. =,( i think i want to talk to my mom.